Family holidays are often some of the most treasured memories we create with our children, but they also come with their share of planning stress, financial pressure, and difficult decisions. For parents in blended families, those challenges can multiply quickly.
Balancing time between households and ensuring no child feels left out is no easy task, especially when resources are limited, and today’s Original Poster (OP) recently found herself at the heart of that dilemma as she considers a smaller, budget-friendly getaway with her partner and two younger daughters. The only problem now is that her son might be left out of the trip.
More info: Mumsnet
RELATED:For parents navigating blended families and shared custody, even planning a simple getaway can stir up complicated emotions and tough decisions
The author has a teenage son from a previous relationship and two daughters with her current partner, and they recently got back from a long, expensive holiday
Later, she began planning a more budget-friendly summer getaway but found it too costly for all five of them to go
She noted that her son was already scheduled to spend part of the summer with his dad, who may or may not take him on a trip
She considers booking the holiday for herself, her partner, and their daughters during that same week to save costs
Unsure if it’s unfair to her son, she questions whether going without him while he’s with his dad would be wrong or simply practical
The OP is a mum of three, with a son from a previous relationship who spends some of his time with his dad, and two daughters with her current partner. Well, the whole family recently returned from a big, long-haul holiday together. However, now, as summer rolls in, she is eyeing a cheaper, last-minute trip.
The dilemma she now faces is that the trip would work for four, but not for five, as that would be too expensive. And so, this would mean that she gets to travel with her partner and two daughters, but this is also where the debate is: should she go without her son, given he’ll be with his dad during that period, anyway?
She noted that the son is already set to spend a full week with his dad over the summer holidays outside of his usual days. His dad had previously floated the idea of taking him abroad, although now it seemed it wouldn’t be possible anymore. Still, the dad is expected to do something during that week, which makes the OP wonder if her son would really be missing out.
Emotionally, it feels “off” to leave one child out of a holiday, even if the reasons are practical. But logically, she reasoned that if her son would already be engaged in his own plans with his dad, shouldn’t it be okay for her to make different plans with her daughters?
To better understand the emotional challenges faced by families in blended and shared custody situations, We spoke with relationship coach and marriage counselor Mildred Okonkwo, who shed light on the often-overlooked impact of exclusion on children. She explained that “when kids in shared custody arrangements feel excluded, whether on purpose or not, it’s a bit tricky.”
Over time, according to her, this exclusion can make them feel like they don’t truly belong to either parent, quietly eroding their sense of security. The expert described this as “slow, subtle, but powerful.”
We also asked about the common guilt many parents feel when making separate plans while their child is with the other parent, and Okonkwo reassured them that “parents should not feel guilty about making separate plans while their child is with the other parent.”
She highlighted the importance of self-care, explaining that “it’s natural to miss your child, but guilt should not drive your action.”
Finally, when asked about the pressure to be perfectly fair in blended families, Okonkwo challenged the idea of strict equality. “Trying to be perfectly fair in blended families is often exhausting and unrealistic. Fairness isn’t about treating every child the same but about meeting each child’s unique emotional needs,” she said.
She explained that while some children may require more reassurance or one-on-one time, others may thrive with more independence, and so instead of focusing on equality in minutes or gifts, parents should focus on connection and understanding. In all, she emphasized “letting go of guilt and the idea of a fairness ‘scoreboard’.”
Netizens expressed strong concerns about the emotional impact on the teen son, viewing the proposed holiday as exclusionary. They felt that choosing to leave him behind could damage their relationship long-term. While a few acknowledged the OP’s financial dilemma, they suggested finding a way to include everyone, even if it meant compromising on location or luxury.
What would you do if you were in the OP’s shoes? Would you take the trip if you were in her shoes, or wait until everyone could go? We would love to know your thoughts!
Netizens didn’t side with the author on this one, as they accused her of trying to exclude the son from the trip
